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Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Stunning BeautyChronicles, part 6 (WHoOG)

Because some people asked me...elsewhere: again, that's not "session 6". It's "AsenRG found, for the 6th time, the willpower to describe what has happened in the campaign". What number of sessions have passed is...anyone's guess, really - we schedule sessions in a way that's probably highly uncommon among RPG groups. 
And to address another question: yes, I am skipping things, some of them because of their NSFW nature (no, I'm not playing this with a "standard" group). Yes, such things happen in our sessions - a lot. Let's just remind you that my character is literally dependent on having a nice you another idea of the reason why my full character concept was "fucking Chinese paladin", doesn't it? (For those that wonder: no, the first word isn't a curse-word, it's merely descriptive...) 

With all that said... 
Last session, I left off the description at where Da Su Su told us she suspects she has promised her firstborn to a wizard who deals with demons, might be trying to allow the Demon Emperor in our dimension. The Demon Emperor is that guy who Sunan and Bao* sealed away from our dimension...more or less, at the price of their lives. 
Why did she do so? Why, she wanted a very powerful weapon! 
(We had long ago decided never to tell her exactly how stupid we rank her as. She just fell down another couple of notches, though. By the end of this campaign, we might be persuaded to turn to an amoeba for advice - and we'd probably tell Da Su Su to shut up and listen to smarter people). 
DSS suggested that the Witches of Bone Kingdom might be powerful enough to deal with him. And remember - she also suggested to "release us from the service she had paid us for", because we were efficient enough she no longer really needed us... 
"There's two ways to deal with her issue", my wife said during the discussion. "A high road, and a low road. Which one do you want us to take, my husband?" 
"Always go for the high road. There's less stuff there that might turn your victory to nothingness", I replied. She just didn't care, so it was accepted unanimously (while Da Su Su was trying to figure out what we were talking about - during our reports, we often use against her the fact that we understand each other from half a word, and she needs a word and a half, if possible). 

Of course, we gathered the cream of the Yu family to come with us. I mean, the stakes could be enormous, here! We have to deal with someone who Da Su Su can't deal with and was a powerful man before any of us was born? 
Stunning Beauty Team has an answer: find allies. 
To this goal, we reasoned, we start by the closest to the farthest - as Kung-Fu teaches! 
Two-Timing Cockerel was closest, and as always, he was easy to persuade. 
"Uncle, want to die fighting a man powerful beyond imagination, who might be trying to let the Demon Emperor back to the Central Kingdom? There might be some beautiful female xia we might meet on the way, too - at any rate, you haven't married anyone from this region. You're coming? We thought you might say that". 
There are, it seems, two things worth dying for: to thwart a great evil, and for love - or so the Two-Timing Cockerel said. 
(Remember: by clan tradition, which thankfully only concerns the leaders of Yu, our uncle has less than a year before he has to die - by his own hand, if everything else fails - but he still wants to have 20 loving wives before he dies. Which means he should be in a hurry, because he's only got 13 now). 
So there we went: me, my wife, my student, the head of our clan, and 10 out of 13 wives (he left the rest to deal with domestic issues, and he left his daughter and scion, too - though at the price of a quarrel, because she wanted to come with us). They're also kung-fu experts, so we were ready to wage war on smaller cities. 
We were, however, woefully unprepared to survive a fight with our endgoal opponent. 
Thus, we went towards the Bone Kingdom. I decided to travel several days by the water (four days, our GM announced after consulting the map). Then we go from there. 
Of course, we were traveling in a pleasure barge, called "Pleasurable Rain". We chartered it, and liked it enough that we bought it. It's now the official Yu family's boat. 
(I suspect the GM has stopped tracking our living expenses sessions ago. What for, if we do it for her and always make sure to gain more than we spend, so we only become richer? Even a single of our money-making schemes is yet to fail - and we're doing this while on Da Su Su's non-inconsiderable wages!) 

At some point, couple of days later, however, the sailors (those are not Yu members) mentioned the river here's getting narrower. We immediately suspected piracy, and put out a small boat, which had only two passengers. 
I was rowing, and the Two-Timing Cockerel was checking the depths with a long pole. It was good practice. Oh, and about at that time the boss' daughter managed to catch up with us. Yes, she had disobeyed. 
TTC is lucky he's not going to live long enough that she makes his hair all white. Well, kinda lucky. 

Thus, we found that a boat has been capsized, so our boat could pass, but the barge would have been stuck. We immediately rose, and I started shouting. 
"Get out, you treacherous curs! We know you're here! Come out and fight us!" 
This was also a signal. The twelve female kung-fu fighters on the boat had already sneaked out and were traveling on the two sides of the river... 
Yes, they were hunting, and we were - voluntarily - the bait. 
A huge, strong, masked man appeared on the road with a saber. He was followed by four men with bows. 
"You there, curs!", I launched. "Pick a representative that's going to fight me. The rest of you will fight HIM!" - I pointed to TTC. 
Yes, I'm a manly kung-fu fighter with even stronger friends. What can I say? 
One of them launched "you talk too much!", and threw us a hook on a rope. I attached it to the boat, of course. Time to stretch! 
"Now pull!", I ordered him. 
"You wish", he answered and gestured the rest of them to shoot us both. 
TTC swung his cape and parried all the arrows. And then I started pulling. 
Meanwhile, the four idiots fell, dead. It turns out, there were half a dozen more hidden on that beach (and an equal number on the other one). 
There was only this guy left alive on "our beach". (My wife was calling the shots, and I think she doesn't like leaving enemies alive. Her friends consider her ruthless, and her enemies have worse words. Me, I think she kills like a cat - when instinct or whim demand it - but I still love her!) 
Just as we arrived, the guy noticed he's been encircled by kung-fu mistresses with crimson blades. If I haven't shouted "leave him alive", who knows what might have happened! 
And then he took the smart course, and ran. 
I was the only one to chase him, and he tried to ambush me. We fought, Ox-Tail Dao to my Jian, and despite him using techniques that made his blade bite deep, I wounded him thrice and my internal energy was unable to prevent only one strike from actually wounding my flesh. I also mocked him mercilessly, explaining in detail how stupid he was for not talking to us first. 
Then my wife caught up, and kicked him in the head, leaving him barely alive. She was still trying to get him alive, though. 
He tried to run again, and I punched him out as soon as I saw an opportunity to use my palm smash. Then I carried him back. He was one of three survivors. 
(Also, he was 3rd Qi level, so I got to 2nd level by finally defeating someone 2 levels above me while fighting in a group). 
When we removed his mask, we saw a scarred face. Hmm, does it remind me of anything or what? Yes it does... 
Turned out, he was a mid-level Mystic Sword sect member. They were persuaded we were carrying a manual they wanted. 
"What manual, you moron, wasting the life of his men?", I asked cordially. Our relations were like that. 
Turned out, they were looking for a manual, which would probably look like an empty piece of paper to the unitiated. They believe it's in the damn Yu family compound, too, and that we were carrying it on the barge. Some woman had told them so, it seems, but he never told us the name (or rather, he did - she was one of their sect, so I concluded she was as stupid as the rest of them). 
"Uncle, remind me when I get back I should write 'Mystic Sword Sect Are Morons' on every empty piece of paper. Then we throw all of them away, and those morons can pick any sheet they want!" 
No, we didn't want a manual with probably forbidden techniques. If the uglies wanted it, they could have it! (And we'd defeat them nonetheless! BTW, it turns out they scar their faces for disobedience. All the members of the Beautiful People Clan, i.e. us, officially think they're insane...and we also realize that this is a clan the Yu family could never infiltrate). 
What we did want to know was...who was siccing people like DSS and Mystic Sword on us? One might be a mistake. Two such societies? Fuck "coincidence" with a red-hot poker - it's not coincidence anyway, but something less wholesome! 
Of course, that's the part I didn't share with the prisoner. 
During that conversation, the Mystic Ugly finally realized three things: 
1) Not only the manual wasn't with us, we didn't give a collective fuck about the damn thing. 
2) Whoever had told their "sister" it was with us, had tried to set us up (and successfully lied to her). 
3) I considered him to be an idiot, but I was also willing to let him go - along with his men - if he promised to never come back, and explain the first point to his bosses. 
He agreed they'd lost enough people as it was, and we let him have his men back (their stories confirmed his). 

Thus, we ended up on the beach of a Sunan-and-Bao-forgotten village. Or so it looked while we were hiring rooms. I bought a round of drinks in the inn** and inquired about local martial artists and beautiful women from the drunks. Hey, who else would be gazing at any woman that passes? They should know. 

I was maybe a bit unclear here, so let me explain: my job, as far as I'm concerned, is only to introduce the Two-Timing Cockerel to suitable prospective wives. He only marries them if they fall in love with him (and being the most beautiful male martial artist of the current generation sure doesn't hurt his cause). I bought a round of drinks to the local drunks, got information, and in the meantime Madame Yu (I think she's Wife #7 or 8...don't quote me) hired rooms. Given how the clan dresses (and yes, that applies to my character as well) when we left, I was wondering whether the locals might try something stupid. 
So I was paying more attention than usual. That is how I noticed Biggest Sister following us. 
That said, I didn't know, back than, that she was called Biggest Sister. If anything, she seemed to be following Madame Yu 7th/8th, the respectable Aunt Teacher! 
So I told my auntie to keep moving forward when we take a turn...and just pulled myself up, getting to the roof. 
If the big girl I'd spotted following us was to move after her, I'd want to talk. 
Sure enough, when the 30-something girl appeared behind us on the village's street, she was surprised at not seeing me. But then she decided to follow. 
I dropped on her head, literally, and went for a grapple. She reacted with a surprised "you're direct, ain't you"...and tried to do the same. 
It soon became something closer to an MMA/BJJ - I wasn't sure she meant wrong, so I didn't try to hurt her, and she seemed to be trying more to hug me than anything else...which made me even more reluctant to try and break any of her bones. 
At the end, the GM ruled she had me in a headlock near her bosom, and I had locked her elbow. So we started talking, just as Madame Yu stayed nearby, ready to kick her head in, if necessary. 
Then Biggest Sister introduced herself and revealed she was! A nice boy who practised kung-fu? She was totally hot for some of that action! 
Ah well, I didn't mind. But I wasn't up for it, not immediately. 
"You'll have to talk this out with my wife!", my character said. 
"You're married?", she exclaimed. I used that moment to free my neck, and got up, still not releasing her. 
"I'll introduce you." 
So, while Biggest Sister was pondering whether I'm joking, I lead her to my wife. "Hi, honey, she said she wants to talk with you...she seems to kinda like me, so I decided to have you introduced." 
And then I let them have a girls' talk, and went to the Two-Timing Cockerel, in the hopes of finding out who those Jade Maidens were, and how likely they were to become Jade Girls instead... 
Behind me, I heard the following exchange. 
"Hey, I was just trying to find out if he's married to that chick he was with!" 
"No, she's my aunt. And I don't care you want to fuck him, he's a big boy and can deal with you - what I'm wondering is, aren't you married? I don't want problems with a jealous husband or something!" 
And then I knew when I came back, I'd get a full report on who the visitor was. 
Turned out, I was right. And TTC knew the Jade Maidens...but wasn't hot on the idea of meeting the head Jade Maiden, carrying the nightmarefuel-worthy*** name "Righteous Maiden" (I suggested we should call her "Old Raisin"). And he hinted she didn't want to see him, either. 
Why? She was afraid he might take...liberties...with her sect members. (And he did indeed plan to, so she was right - but that she'd rather have those girls waste their youth, seemed totally monstruous to us!) 
Then I went back, and found out my wife had retracted her objections to Biggest Sister: there was no husband. She was living alone with her 6 brothers...who were kidnapped by some "Brother Wolf" guy! He had her jumping on a leash since then (and make no mistake, Biggest Sister's Qi was as stronger than mine as her body was taller). 
Last time she disobeyed, she'd received the hand of one of her bros as a warning. 
We concluded that Brother Wolf wasn't the kindest character...but then, if it was about ruthlessness, my wife probably beats him. TTC could probably beat him in a fight, and I could beat his inevitable arguments that he was doing the right thing by quoting the classics! 
Or so we were planning when we promised Biggest Sister to go and free her brothers. Hey, Brother Wolf's fortress was just half a day's travel! Why not make a detour? 
A man might think of one thing, but the venerable ancestors often have different plans. 

* Those are the fucking creators of the martial arts in the setting, FYI. And yes, it means the setting has Martial Arts Intelligent Design instead of evolution...but by the rules, we can also create Techniques. 
The ramifications of that are something we haven't fully explored, yet. 
**Yes, that was a reference. 
***At least it works like that on people from the Yu clan!